Saving People, Hunting Things: The family Business
I take it back
Winter can stay!
I don’t want to bind in the hot summer!
I think I’m going to look into doing this, you guys.
Hormones are much more feasible than top surgery for me right now. I have around $400 that I’ve saved up for top surgery that could maybe get me through enough months of T to at least deepen my voice, which I want so badly. I think if my voice was deeper I might pass.
I can open up a new bank account and put that money into it, get a card, earn interest, etc…That way, my mom can’t get in my business, and I won’t have this money laying around dangerously.
I know injectables are the cheapest way to go, and I can force myself to learn how to give myself shots. Its a matter of what do I want more, and even though I’m terrified of shots and needles, I can get over that in order to fulfill my dreams.
The most expensive part will be the doctors and tests.
The hardest part will be telling my parents.
Maybe I can just not tell them.
Or maybe I can just tell them and say that there’s nothing they can do about it. This is money that I’ve found, been donated, and saved up from the money I’ve been given on birthdays, etc. They can’t tell me how to spend that money. Its not college money.
I need to talk to my therapist.
If anyone has any advice, message me.
I have a serious lack of knowledge about this, and I’m very overwhelmed, stressed, and depressed right now.
I would probably really appreciate some guidance.
Just…please be gentle.
So guys…
I’m looking at getting a new binder, since the one I have right now has gotten really stretched out and doesn’t appear to be working on my D’s anymore… *sad*
Last time, I got the one that is like a t-shirt, but this time, I think I want one without sleeves, but I can’t decide whether I should get the full length one or not, out of these two.
See, I like how the full length ones can be folded up and put under a tight sports bra to double up the compression when the binder starts to stretch out, but the tri-top looks like it has more and better compression…
Thoughts, opinions, help, etc? Please?
The next time my mom or someone tucks my hair behind my ears all cute like and shit, I’m going to punch them. Hard.
My first gender therapy session is this Wedsday at 1:40 :)
I’m excited and nervous and happy, all at the same time.
Georgia Southern offers it, so I’m getting it for free, which I am SOOO beyond grateful for. I just thought I’d update with this and let everyone know. :)))
Hayley gave me one of her hats. :)
My amazing transgurl fran and I exchanged some underwears. It was basically awesome. Transwapping! Go us! xDD I luv hers. :3 We considered painting our nails, but instead, we ended up watching a movie and just talking about life in general. I think we’ll probably paint each other’s nails some time soon, though. Her favorite color is blue, and she has a really cute blue color. It’s been forever since I’ve done my nails, and I do still enjoy painting my toe nails, even if I identify as a guy. Who says painting nails has to be a gender thing?! Fuck gender norms and stereotypes! We trans* people do what we want!
EDIT: I suppose I should clarify that the underwear I gave her was underwear that I’d never worn, and she gave me boxers that are basically like shorts. Everything had been washed and was perfectly clean.
My amazing transgurl fran and I exchanged some underwears. It was basically awesome. Transwapping! Go us! xDD I luv hers. :3 We considered painting our nails, but instead, we ended up watching a movie and just talking about life in general. I think we’ll probably paint each other’s nails some time soon, though. Her favorite color is blue, and she has a really cute blue color. It’s been forever since I’ve done my nails, and I do still enjoy painting my toe nails, even if I identify as a guy. Who says painting nails has to be a gender thing?! Fuck gender norms and stereotypes! We trans* people do what we want!
EDIT: I suppose I should clarify that the underwear I gave her was underwear that I’d never worn, and she gave me boxers that are basically like shorts. Everything had been washed and was perfectly clean.
Well, they arrived at lunch time on Friday.
My friend, Parrish, had advised me to just be me and not sacrifice my comfort for hers (my mom’s), so I did one load of laundry Thursday night so that I would be able to dress normally for the weekend.
So after I got out of class on Friday at 11:00, I bustled about as fast as I could to finish up that load of laundry, do my whites load of laundry, check my mail (because I didn’t want my mom insisting that I show her my P.O. box, just in case my packer came), and clean my room and apartment up, since Fridays are my cleaning days, and I wanted it to all be extra spotless. I wanted her to know that I can, in fact, take care of myself.
Mother had me come to meet them at the Russell Union (which made me nervous because I wanted to feel in control of the situation, so I had wanted them to come to me, instead of the other way around…I got over it, though), so I did. I ran up to them and hugged them and said my greetings and then started to lead them to my dorm.
It was a bit of a disappointment to already feel uncomfortable around her, because I noticed that she kept staring at me…particularly my chest (I took Parrish’s advice and decided that I wasn’t going to hide the fact that I’m binding and not shaving my legs). I tried to ignore it, though.
We got back to my dorm, and on the elevator, she asked me if I was wearing a shirt underneath my shirt (she was probably aware of the fact that I was binding…because she’s made a comment about it before, and there’s no way she could notice the huge difference in D boobs and flat chest).
“Yeah…” I said.
“I would think you’d get hot!” She replied with one of those fake smiles and laughs, like she was trying to play it off.
“No. I’m fine,” I lied. I do get hot in my binder, but I wasn’t about to admit that to her.
So I helped them get settled in, and then I had my mom look at my injured knee.
(I injured it in another bike accident. LET IT BE KNOWN THAT I WAS NOT ON THE SIDEWALK THIS TIME; I WAS ON THE ROAD. Lol. Some guy and I collided into each other while we were riding our bikes, and we had a bike wreck. We both flew off of our bikes and landed on concrete. He and his bike were perfectly fine, but my bike got screwed up again, and I landed on me knee again. I fixed my bike, but my knee was really hurt. I couldn’t walk or bend it, and it bruised pretty bad. So I bandaged it with an ace wrap and had my little sister bring me my cane from him; yes, I own a cane, and it’s very handy.)
I could have sworn she must have noticed my hairy legs, but she didn’t say anything about it. She just focused on my knee and told me that she thinks I just must have bruised it very badly. She’s a doctor and does this kind of thing all the time, so she would know, just in case you’re wondering. I really didn’t want to go the health services place on campus, since when I went before after spraining my foot, there was nothing they could do. They just bandaged it and made me buy some anti-inflammatory for about seven dollars, which I thought was kind of ridiculous. I could have just taken some cheaper pain medication, but oh well. I actually didn’t end up using all of the anti-inflammatory, so my mom had me take that for my knee.
Next, I took them out to go eat at the local Chinese place called Chow Time. It’s a really good buffet to eat at. Their food is always great; I love it.
We had a good time there, and I told her about some of my friends and about my experiences with trying alcohol, going to two parties, and trying a cigarette I didn’t particularly want to tell her those things because I didn’t want her to be disappointed in me, but I also wanted her to know that I respect her enough to tell her those things and that I want her to know about what’s going on in my life, since I love her and want her to be apart of my life. She didn’t get upset. She just told me to be careful, and she told me I shouldn’t smoke, which I was already painfully aware of. The only reason I tried it in the first place was because I knew it was going to be nasty, and I was going for a taste aversion. It worked. It was probably the most disgusting thing I’ve ever tried, and I really don’t think I’m ever going to do it again.
After we ate, we went shopping for some stuff that I needed. She bought me a fan for my room, which I was grateful for; she also got me some food and a five dollar movie from Walmart (It was The Last Unicorn. Best movie ever!); and she got me some food, as well as some food for her to cook me some meals. I was pretty excited to have her cook. I got to eat real food! Haha.
So then we went back to the dorm, and we brought the groceries and things inside, and then I took them to Cold Stone to buy them icecream with some of the meal plans I had saved up for them.
As we were leaving Cold Stone, one of my friends was nearby, and he waved and called my name - “Daniel!” He was obviously gay.
We went over and talked to him, and my mom made a point of calling me Kaitlin and using female pronouns, and it was awkward and a little bit embarrassing…I think my friend was a little confused, and I felt bad and guilty. (This happened twice with seeing friends)
We brought the icecream back and watched the Big Bang Theory while we ate.
Next, I did homework and studied a bit. I also finally got a chance to go to bed early. I made sure to change where she couldn’t see me, so that way, I could take off my binder and hide it in my closet where she wouldn’t see it. I put on long pants for pajamas, and I wore a hoodie to hide the major difference in my chest appearance.
*
The next day, my little sister and I woke up around noon, and my mom made breakfast. She cooked biscuits, eggs, bacon, and she also served fruit, juice, and coffee. It was nice, and it was very good. We all talked a bit and had a nice breakfast. Then Morgan and I got ready for the day. My mom watched me while I did my hair, which was a bit awkward, since I do it like a guy, and I felt like she was judging me for that.
I took them to the Wildlife Center on campus, and we walked around and looked at all of the animals and exotic amphibians. We had a nice time looking at and taking pictures of the bald eagles, hawks, falcons, raptors, owls, ducks, frogs, snakes, lizards, alligators, skunks, and opossums. We also stayed for the reptile and flight shows.
That was when things got a bit awkward again.
While we were waiting for the flight show to start, she started staring at me again while I was playing a game on my ipod. She pulled back the collar of my t-shirt and started looking at and feeling my “shirt” underneath. Nervous about her touching the binder and feeling the compression of it, I shouldered her off.
“What kind of shirt is that?” she asked, trying to play cool again, “I don’t remember that one.”
“It’s just a shirt,” I said in an annoyed manner, hoping to deflect further conversation about it. I’m afraid of her flipping out about me binding and wondering where I even got the binder from in the first place. I don’t want to tell her that I bought it because I didn’t, and she would freak out about me spending money on that. I also don’t want to tell her the truth about how Angela got it for me because she already partly blames Angela for no reason, and I don’t want her to hate one of the most important people in my life.
“Aren’t you hot?” she asked again.
”No,” I quipped and then gave her the cold shoulder.
A minute or so passed before she then reached down and started feeling my legs. “Oo, Kaitlin!” she said with a laugh, “You need to shave, sweetie! You’re going European Haha.”
I didn’t look up or say anything. I just gave a non-laugh with a little breath of air from my nose.
So then we went to go eat at the Nest after that, and I payed with the rest of the meal plans I had saved up. Alyssa was with us, because I wanted my mom and sister to meet her. However, this dinner was fairly awkward, because my mom just made everything awkward with friends this weekend, and plus, Alyssa was a bit uncomfortable with the way my mom was calling me “Kaitlin” and using female pronouns.
Wanting a little freedom from all of the discomfort and awkwardness, I offered to ride back to Alyssa’s dorm with her and then walk back to my dorm so that she could get stuff to redye my hair with and then come back to my dorm to do it. I gave my mom my keys to get back into the dorm.
Alyssa let me vent to her on the way to her dorm, and it felt good to be able to get some of that stuff out of my system verbally. She then played a nice little song that used the f-word a lot to make me feel better. Haha.
While we were at her dorm, I couldn’t help but miss Alexa.
Back at my place, Alyssa died my hair again, and she of course called me “Danny” or “Daniel,” and whether my mom noticed or was uncomfortable, I didn’t care enough to pay attention. I just wanted to be me, so I just didn’t try to look and see how my mom was reacting.
While we were letting the dye sit in my hair, Alyssa, Morgan, Mother, and I watched The Last Unicorn on my TV in my room, and I sang along with the soundtrack and probably enjoyed it much more than the rest of them, lol. What can I say? That was a favorite movie from my childhood. I love it.
While we were watching the movie, though, I was a little self-conscious. I kept trying to make sure she couldn’t see my binder or my leg hair, and I kept my ipod from her sight, since she had been looking over my shoulder at the texts I had been sending Angela through iMessage. I also felt self-conscious about the things on my wall - I have sticky notes that Alyssa put up that say things like, “sexy boy,” and I know my mom looked at them.
After that, Alyssa and I rinsed out my hair and fixed it up, and then we prepared for Dr. Who night. I had asked my mom if she would mind if I had Parrish, Justin, Bill, Alyssa, and Marriah over for Dr. Who night, since I usually host it on Saturdays. I informed her that Parrish, Bill, and Justin are gay, and she had been ok with it. However, she looked extremely uncomfortable the whole time they were over, especially when they referred to me as Daniel and used male pronouns.
Good news was that my phone started working randomly again, and I got, like, fifty billion text messages within the span of five minutes. My phone would NOT stop ringing. Haha. Also, the episode was really good. There were so many feels, and I cried. Lol.
After that was over, we hung out for a little bit. My mom made us chicken strips, and we ate those and talked. Then they left, and I cleaned up and went back to my room. My mom followed me, and I could tell she was awkward and uncomfortable, and I could feel that she wanted to say something.
She said it when we got back into my room.
“So…is Justin gay, or is he straight?” she asked.
“He’s definitely gay,” I said.
“Oh…Well, he doesn’t really act gay.”
“Well, there’s different kinds of gay. I mean, you have really masculine gay guys, and then you have more flamboyant gay guys. Some guys, you wouldn’t even know they’re gay. I mean, there’s all kind of different people out there.”
Then she brought up Parrish.
“Now…Parrish seems like one of those kids where they named them wrong and then changed it ‘cause they didn’t know what they were…” she commented. I started to feel nervous and defensive.
“What?” I replied, since what she was saying didn’t make much sense, and I wanted her to be more clear. I kind of knew what she was getting at, but I just wanted to make sure.
“Well…his face looks more like he’s a female,” she clarified.
“Well, he was born a girl, but he is a guy,” I said, defending Parrish. Personally, I think he passes really well, and none of my friends knew when they first met him that he was trans. Hell, I couldn’t even really tell. I just thought he was a gay guy, you know? I think my mom just puts everything under way too much scrutiny.
“So…he’s a girl…” she asked after a pause.
”No…He’s a guy,” I argued.
“Well,” she started to argue back, “If you have XX, you’re a girl…”
“No,” I said pointedly, glaring a bit, “His sex is female; his gender is male. He’s a guy.” I then gave her the cold shoulder again, not wanting to argue about it anymore. It really pissed me off and hurt my feelings when she said all that.
Not wanting to deal with her anymore, I got ready for bed again, same as the night before. I was feeling depressed and pissed.
*
This morning, Morgan and I slept till noon again. I seriously needed all of this sleep. For one, I kind of wanted to pass the time, and for two, I haven’t been getting any sleep at all for the past two or three weeks. It really has sucked, and it felt so good to finally get some rest.
However, my mom came in twice this morning. I have no idea what she was doing, but Morgan told me she saw her staring at some of the pictures of me on my wall (they’re pictures of me from when I presented as a girl, during my years in JROTC).
Talk about wierd and awkward.
Then she woke us up and asked us if we wanted to eat here or wanted to go out to eat. I really wanted to go out, but I knew that was going to mean I’d have to shower and get dressed, and I really didn’t have enough courage to bind around her again. :/ So I told her I just wanted to eat here. She seemed a little disappointed, but she complied and made breakfast again.
After that, they had to get their stuff together, and they left. :l
I really am going to miss them both, and it was hard to say goodbye; I was really conflicted with both not wanting them to leave and also wanting to push them out of the door so that I could get rid of my mom and go back to being comfortable and just being me. Needless to say, as soon as they were gone, I took off my hoodie that I was sweating in and also put on some shorts. I feel much better now, but I miss them, too. :/
I mean…I was really excited to see my mom and all (and especially Morgan), and we did have fun…It wasn’t all bad…but a lot of it felt faked…because I felt so awkward, and I felt strained…because I couldn’t be me, and I had to worry all the time about my mom and stuff…and I felt physically strained and uncomfortable…
I hate that I wanted to push her out just so that I could relax a bit…because I love her, and I really am going to miss her and Morgan…I almost cried when they left.
It’s just not fair…with how awkward my mom makes it, it makes it impossible for me to enjoy her company, so it’s like she never really came down here…like I was still miles away, missing her…
It arrived yesterday at the post office!
I’ll be able to go and get it after my second class on Monday, at 11:00!
I would have gone and got it yesterday, but you know…mom and sister are here…
(I’ll be updating you guys about all of that later today)
I’m just going to do my best to be me, even if it makes my mom uncomfortable. She knows I’m doing this. I shouldn’t sacrifice my comfort for hers, especially in my own living place. But I did clean up a lot for her and plan on doing nice things for her.
On another note…I don’t think I’m going to get any Chemistry homework or studying done while they’re here… :/ I think I’m going to fail both the homework and the test.
BUT - I got a 101 and on my last American Government quiz, and I should find out my grade on the Criminal Justice exam this evening.
joannabeth replied to your post: My packer is ordered!
Dude! I just got an email - its shipping today, so within the week!!
YAYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <333333333333334556769789780-#$^$*&#%@Q$
